BILL O'REILLY'S ENORMOUS STAKES

by Casey and Steve Young

Y'gotta give Bill O'Reilly his props:

Mr. Independent

Mr. If They Don't Find WMD I'll Never Trust President Bush Again

Mr. Ignore 1,800 Killed During August In Iraq

Mr. I Know More Than You About War Strategy, General Clarke

Mr. "If Saddam Would Have Let the Inspectors In We Wouldn't Be In This Mess" In The Face Of The Fact That He Did Let Them In And It Was President Bush Who Told Them To Leave

Even on vacation he's working hard for the Folks...and the Bush Administration. Allowing his vacation fill-ins opine to a dwindling fan base, Bill's only outlet to sell his "watching out for you and me" tete-a-tete was his weekly newspaper and web column, which this week pummelled the evil Mainstream Elite Liberal Media and Democratic "cut and runners" while praising a stalwart President for "trying to buy time with an aggressive push against the murderous insurgents."

Thank God for Bill. At least there's one place to get the facts as the Folks need them.

And he only needed a couple sentences to set lucidity back 2,000 years.

"The stakes in Iraq are enormous, and that point has been consistently hidden from the American public by a media that despises the Bush administration and is openly rooting for a Democratic president in 2008."

Damn you again, you biased, American-hating, Democratic-loving media!

And Bill would be 100 percent right if it weren't for the fact that he is 100 percent wrong. How do I know? I could say I needed to build a research staff equal to Bill's crack Factor research team, but I decided to go one better: my twelve year old son Casey.

It wouldn't be his first time. For the past year he's wanted to create his own O'Reilly Watch site: ImOnly12YearsOldAndIAlreadyKnowBillOReillyIsAJerk.com

His sister Kelly was too busy at the mall with friends so Case' dove in on his own.

He placed "stakes" and "Iraq" in his little search engine. It wasn't easy. It took almost .42 seconds before he came up with 5 million hits. So he dug deep -- on the first page of results.

ABC News: Gates Raises Stakes In Iraq

Washington Post: Soldiers in Iraq Say Pullout Would Have Devastating Results

AOL News:The Stakes in Iraq

Okay. Maybe it was just a coincidence that he were just lucky. Then Casey decided to raise the stakes on the "stakes" search.

"Hey, Dad. Just for fun, let's see if those Al Jazeera bad guys are hiding how high the stakes are in Iraq?"

"Please, son. Al Jazeera? Mr. O'Reilly would never overlook such a hate America, terrorist-aid and supporter organization. I mean, if they actually printed anything that mentioned the stakes were high in Iraq, well he would look like a complete ass. And that's not the No-spinster I've come to know. "

"Ple-e-e-e-ease."

"Okay, but only to show you how cynical you're becoming. And if you're wrong, no Hannity and Colmes for a week."

Al Jazeera: "The stakes in Iraq are too high and the consequences too grave for our security here at home to allow politics to harm the mission of our men and women in uniform."

D'oh.

Finally, Casey picked up a magazine from the coffee table and laid it on my desk.

Double D'oh. Time Magazine, that Manhattan liberal bastion, as well as the home of regular opinions from those leftist hippies Bill Kristol and Charles Krautheimer, doing a cover story -- just a month ago -- discussing any number of scenarios that might befall Iraq when/if we leave. Then again, Bill might not have understood what the Time story was about just from the cover headline: "Iraq: What Will Happen When We Leave." (To Bill's credit, it really is rather vague.)

"Can I go out and play basketball now, Dad?"

"Sure, son. Remember: trust your stroke. Don't aim the ball."

"I love you, Dad."

"I love you too, son."

Casey didn't actually say the "I love you" part, but since I am doing the final edit here, well, I'm sure he does.

But here he is, still on vacation yet, he's willing to go out in the summer heat, work on his game, and keeps getting better for it.

Isn't it amazing that even on vacation and with all his practice, Bill is still so capable of firing massive airballs. toward coherency's net?